purpose

I feel the need to censor because of some comments I have received, but I don't want to feel the need to censor what I write here. This is my own space to be expressive and hyperbolic and hilarious and rough and eloquent and raw. This is not the kind of writing I need correction on. This is not the place to give me lectures or encouragement. This is not the place to point out inconsistencies. This is self-expression, self-discovery, and dysfunction "incarnate". It is what is it, existing to its own self and wants to rest undisturbed, like a bear in its cave. This is not a plea for help, not a call for attention. The very act of putting the words down, putting the bear in the cave so to speak, is helpful and therapeutic to me. That's why I've disabled commenting as "anonymous". This is a personal blog only shared with a select few. You must have the face to put your name by your comments, but I will decide which ones get published. This is me. Uncensored. This place is mine.

Over here is where I appreciate positive comments -> sarahbawden.wordpress.com

Rant over. Apology for hurt feelings.

Moving on...


We woke up to the fire alarm this morning. And then it went back to sleep, but we couldn't. Rude.

Yesterday was a tired day. Today is a more tired day because of the snow.

I'm breaking through walls with my elbows and chin jutted straight out. Move. Crumble.

Too tired for any more long-strung thoughts. It's fine.

When you are married, the only thing you personally own is responsibility for your actions.

Why Thunder is better than Chocolate:
- it doesn't cause me distressing emotional crash
- I don't have to move from the couch to enjoy it
- I don't have to pay for it
- I'm not allergic to it
- it's not addicting
- it thrills me to the core and that feeling lasts
- it is fleeting and therefore more of a special treat
- lightning looks beautiful and thunder feels beautiful

I daydream about fighting bad guys and/or defending myself and others. I think this is why I like writing fight scenes so much. It gets my adrenaline running.

I'm mobile. I can walk. It is a miracle, but still to what end? What purpose? God is preparing me, so I'm doing my best and once He thinks I'm ready, He will reveal to me the next season of my life.

tmi

"I think exercise is my brass serpent on the pole."

Excuse me while I rinse my mouth out.

I'm trying to love it, though. Really, I am. I posted a sticky-note on my bathroom mirror that says "I love to exercise" and I read it to myself... when I remember to. This morning I went to my first water Zumba class and actually liked it a lot. Some of the moves stretched my back out and I felt more mobile all morning and well into the afternoon.

For real, though, if exercise is the only thing I've needed to do this whole time just to keep my back happy I'm going to kick myself so hard.

Moving on:

I haven't shaved my legs in weeks, probably months. I haven't shaved my armpits in quite a few days, either. And I went swimming like this. In public. When it is painful to bend over and one's husband is doing all he can to keep up with school and work, one would feel rude asking him to help shave one's legs. So I look like Sasquatch. So what? Here is my list of very legitimate reasons not to shave:

1. it breaks stereotypes and social expectations
2. I'm trying to be more like Katniss
3. it's convenient
4. it's a subtle push back against pornography "ideals"
5. I can't, anyway
6. no more razor burn and waking up with bloody fingernails from scratching in my sleep
7. my husband doesn't really care
8. other people don't really care
9. I don't really care if other ladies don't shave
10. hairy legs don't change my feminine soul

Next topic:

Let's get more serious for a bit. I want to share a mantra that without a doubt was the most helpful realization I had when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder and trying to come to terms with the wacko things demon-Sarah was doing behind my back before I was on proper medication.

"You're not in trouble for being broken."

The Atonement of Christ covers oopsies and uh-ohs and things I regret doing. It can wipe clean the slate as long as I keep fighting to stay on His side.

And, finally:

The "All or Nothing Mentality" that is so destructive. Here are a couple phrases that have become commonplace that reflect this mentality. Warning: believing these may cause severe progression paralysis.

1. "Go big or go home"
2. "If something is worth doing, it is worth doing well"

Props if you are the type of personality that thrives on shooting for that high bar. For the rest of us, let's adopt something more like this:

1. "Go at your best pace and don't give up"
2. "If something is worth doing, it is worth learning all you can about it and practicing every day until you are a pro"

sauerkraut recipe

[insert giant life story and lots of pictures here]

... and now for... The Recipe!

Sarah's Colorful Kraut

Ingredients:

1 head purple cabbage, small
10-11 carrots, med to lg
1 sweet onion
1 head garlic
3 Tbs Himalayan sea salt

Also needed:

2 1-qt jars
2 plastic quart jar lids
cheese grater and knife or food processor
kitchen gloves (optional)
jar funnel (optional)

Instructions:

1. Set aside two large cabbage leaves. Finely chop the rest of the cabbage and onion, grate carrots, and mince garlic.
2. In a large bowl, alternate layers of veggies and salt. Knead salt into veggies with hands until there is enough brine to cover veggies in jars.
3. Fill both quart jars with veggie mixture and pour brine over top. (May use funnel, it makes it a little easier)
4. Using cabbage leaves set aside earlier, use one per jar to cover and push down veggies below the brine. Tightly screw lids on.
5. Leave jars on counter for 6-8 days or until sauerkraut has a tangy "pickle-like" taste and crunch. Can leave out longer to develop flavor. Be sure to loosen lids to 'burp' the jars every couple of days. Once the flavor is where you want it, store in the fridge. It keeps for a long time. (I'm using some now that I made 5 1/2 months ago and it's great.)
6. Enjoy!

When I first made sauerkraut, I was kind of like "what the heck do I eat this with?" Here are some ideas my friends and I have done:

Add it to grilled ham and cheese sandwiches.
Mix with tuna salad. It makes it pink! (from Katie R.)
Drop a couple forkfuls in soup.
Eat right out of the jar!
Finely slice bell peppers or other veggies and mix sauerkraut in as a salad.
Use anywhere you'd normally use pickles.

I feel obligated to add a picture.
I'm not going to.