I'm probably manic. That is usually the only time I think it is a good idea to start up a blog again. Besides, I think my "internet voice" is unbearably annoying. Not a lot of motivation to keep going after I've reread old posts. I think this is the... 4th or 5th blog I've ever tried to start. I lack consistency. I'm kind of a flake about things, but in my defense I have not been really functional (mentally) until about 2 or 3 years ago and there is still another dead blog in the internet graveyard from that time period. How many of these thoughts sounds familiar:
"Well, this time will be different because..."
"I'll just pace myself..."
"Take smaller bites so..."
"I can be more consistent..."
"Because it's the new year and that magically means I have at least one or two solid months of goal-meeting before I peter out again. That's enough time to develop a solid habit. ...isn't it?"
I'm 25 years old. To me, that is too old to start new things if I want to be successful in life. These thoughts are strongest when I think of my friends (who are younger than I) who all have been married longer, have degrees or children or both and still manage a Pinterest-perfect life. These thoughts are coming to a head right now because two days ago, after knitting, crocheting, reading, studying scriptures, sewing and writing all day - on the couch because my back bummed out and I've missed work for 3 weeks - I realized, to my horror, that my day still felt empty. I still felt like I was missing something. My husband came home to me moping around and was just as surprised as I was to hear about my realization. The trickiest part is: I'm probably manic, but I have mixed symptoms so it could also be the depression talking, sucking the color and joy out of things I've loved doing my whole life.
The scriptures say "Study it out, humble yourself, then ask and ye shall receive." Paraphrased, forgive me, so I made a list of the things I love to do and rated them 1-10 according to how good I think I am at each activity. Top 5 were: sewing; crocheting; knitting; pencil drawing; and watercolor. And I felt disappointed! Why? I'm still working on answering that, but I have some theories. I haven't spent as much time writing as I have on other activities. Hubby says I should try that out exclusively over the next few days and see what happens.
I think I have to be ready to give up everything I love before I'll get more answers from God. That's what it feels like to me to humble myself. After my first list I started a second, very different-sounding one of things I am good at like "teaching" and "helping people feel better" and I felt like that might be going the right direction. But, you see the problem: if I have "seasons of flakiness" (aka bipolar disorder, I don't care if I'm medicated, there is still flux and flow) I probably shouldn't go into a profession where people have to depend on me all the time. Oh, darn, that's, like, life.
Hey, I wrote a thing.
